Lessons From Bitterness

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you'll know that I'm no stranger to talking about hard stuff.

I've had a few thoughts bouncing around in my mind for several days and wondered if I could create a post about it.

I've been thinking about bitterness and the lessons it's taught me.

When I look back on the one major trial of my life, I have one regret. 

I wish I would have leaned into it and embraced the pain.

"Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds." James 1:2

My marriage suffered a significant trauma about two years into it. My response to what happened was far from "pure joy". I backed off. I shut down. I turned off my heart. Sadly, I became bitter. 

(Of course, this happened gradually and subconsciously. It's a slippery slope.)

Here's the problem with bitterness, though; it never looks good on anybody! Bitterness is ugly. I knew it, too, and desperately wanted to rid my heart of it.

Here's what the whole fiasco has taught me...

Lesson #1: I learned that trials are actually what God uses to unlock our hearts.

"Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

You can't be, "mature and complete, not lacking anything" with a shut-down heart. But listen, here's the key... I had to choose to let God do this. I had to be obedient. 

            

Lesson #2: God is still good.

"You are good and what you do is good." Psalm 119:68

I remember feeling like I couldn't re-open my heart. It was too dangerous. I had lost trust. But God was gently reminding me that whenever I may not be able to trust people, I could always trust Him.

"Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." Psalm 146:3

I slowly began to obey...

"The one who trusts in Him will never be put to shame." Romans 9:33

For a while, I made the mistake of thinking that God was good, but He wasn't being good to me. But I began to realize that God was not the one causing the hardship in my life, it was the choices of others. 

Lesson #3: God can take the sinful actions of others, and weave it into the plan He has for our lives.

When I was really struggling, I found great comfort in Genesis 50:20. Joseph was talking to his brothers and he said, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good." I would read that over and over and plead with the Lord, Please! Let me see the good! 

For years I would tell the Lord, Nothing good has ever come of this situation. I can't think of anything good!!! 

          

One night I was driving home late, and Romans 8:28 came over the radio. I've known this verse my entire life. I could recite it by heart. But for some reason, that night it struck me.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

I know that this promise isn't for everybody. Only those who have a personal relationship with Him. Knowing that I belonged in that category, and that this promise could be mine, I began to pray, Ok, Lord, I'm holding you to it! Let me see the good! Before I die, let me be able to look back and identify some good that came out of this horrible mess!

That was several years ago, and I'm already seeing a little good.

You see, trials mark us with badges of honor, so to speak. The badges are things like, credibility, strength, understanding, wisdom, and love. 

My trial has shown me what I'm made of. When I think of what I had endured at such a young age, things that nobody else I knew ever had to experience, I feel proud that I survived it. I emerged a little banged up, but not destroyed. I learned a lot about myself. I'm tougher than I knew.

"But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me." 2 Tim. 4:17

#4: Bitterness is a choice.

When bad things happen to us we have two choices. We can become resentful, bitter, and offended... Or, we can allow it to open our hearts, make us a better person, and maybe learn something new! 

When I made the decision to let my trial make me a better person, that was when the bitterness melted away.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Colossians 3:12-14

I believe that I have forgiven and that I'm a more loving person because of what I've been through. I've seen myself grow in these areas and I've prayed over this verse that I will continue to develop these characteristics. (Compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, and love certainly look far more beautiful on a person than resentment and bitterness!) 

Lastly, #5: God doesn't plan for us to stay in the fire. The trial will end.

When I finally reached the point where I realized that the trial I was under and had hated for years, was actually what God was using to cultivate a more loving heart in me, that was when I realized that I was finally emerging from it.

"But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold." Job 23:10

I love this! I will come forth as gold! Isn't that great?!

This verse has meant so much to me over the years. When I was in the fire I wrote it on my kitchen chalkboard and would look at it everyday. I would pray that this would be my testimony. I want to come forth as gold! I would say to the Lord. Let that happen for me! I would plead with Him. Until one day I was looking at my chalkboard and the words I will jumped out at me. I felt like I was reading it with new eyes. I will come forth as gold. 

I realized I no longer had to wonder if this would be my testimony. My trial would end. I would come out of the fire. I would emerge from the ashes. I just had to be patient and let God do His work in me. And once He has tested me, I will come forth as gold. 

~~~~~~~

What you have just read is the result of several years of God's work in my life. Like Mary, Jesus' mother, I've "pondered all these things in my heart" but it hasn't been until my blog that I've begun to record some of these ponderings. 

I'm writing for two reasons; To open up to others, share my testimony, and maybe even help someone who reads what I write. And two, is to record some family history that I can pass down to my children. 

"Future generations will be told about the Lord." Psalm 22:30

Thanks for reading...

~ Courtney